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30 Nov Back Home

Let me lay, let me have this moment absorb into me.
Let me hold this.
Have the sun continue to warm me every time I think of this.
Let this feeling stay.

How can I possibly think past this moment and how could I ever want to? The sea of my body is calm, lungs breathing to the rhythm of the music. Smiles and bugs flying around.

It is a dangerous game to build your home in another person’s eyes, to set up camp in their arms. It has backfired before, skin scorched as my old house burns before me along with all my safety, so coming to a new place where I would need to trust and build relationships again was not an easy decision to make. I hesitated wanting to feel that way again. But I came anyway and decided to give it my all. There were moments when I felt the past creeping up and whispering in my ear, spreading fears through my mind and telling every inch of my body it was no good. A broken piece that no one wanted to fix, for it was not valuable enough. Pushing past these moments was a tricky matter but I was up for the task, demanding myself to build community once again, to set up a home with some new pillars and this time. This time it worked. The roof went up and I was inside when it rained. The walls came together, giving me shade from the burning sun. The floor was set, settled on a foundation of compassion. Each piece of furniture was a bonus blessing, a day of laughter to be grateful for.

Today was the day I said goodbye to my new friends. These beautiful souls will be missed, not only because they are the only people I share these experiences with but because they have become such dear friends to me over the last month. I have had constant access to shoulders when napping was necessary, a pair of ears when I needed to rant and I always had a smile to join mine when joy overtook my body. I was afraid I would be treated differently for being the only girl but these boys accepted me and that is truly what I needed at the time. This trip was destiny to me. I met the right people when I needed them which is the biggest blessing I have come across in awhile. The six humans I have had the honour of being with, my boys + Lainie, have laid down the beginning stitches in my tapestry of life.

This experience would not have been possible without the scholarship I received from an anonymous donor so I would also like to take a moment to thank her. Thank you for blessing me with this opportunity, for choosing me. I hope through my writing you felt a sort of connection with me and what I was feeling as I walked through the program, meeting new people, having new conversations, learning about others and myself. This trip and you came at the exact right moment for me, so once again, thank you for being apart of this section of my life.

Unfocused and blurry yet so beautiful.
Chaotic yet so peaceful.
Surrounded by strangers but I feel so at home, the irony we are blessed with as travellers. In this small way we can be sure the universe is alive and smiling.